My Buddy and Meeee!: A Buyers Guide

Ok, gather 'round young ones, let us talk for a moment about something very important to the longevity of our species. The Pocket Pony.  Rubber Rambo.  Goliath. *record skips* whoa whoa whoa... maybe not Goliath,  but you know what it is: The Dildo. Add a harness to the mix and a dash of lube and you've got the fixin's for an event that'll have you unable to look your grandma in the eye next time she asks you to pass the Crisco.

But, before you go off knockin' down walls Bob Villa, it's best to get to know the tools of the trade, and which is right for the job you've been contracted to perform.

Read more after the hump. 

THEHARNESS

Let's start at the foundation. WTF are you gonna attach Lil Jack Johnson to?  We already know its a neccessity but which one? Glad you asked...

thebikini - surprisingly stable but the single strap between the legs gets in the way of some of the action. However, some of these come with or are able to have toys attached to give the wearer some lovejoy of their own.

 

  theheart - even more stable, like a jock strap, it wraps around the waistband and both thighs, leaving an open field for scoring, ya dig?

theboyshort - Panty-style (shorts harnesses:) these harnesses are the least secure, but arguably,and not without exception, sexier and more comfortable. The give and take, or catch 22, is that the tighter the shorts, the less stability they offer.

thethigh (and other randoms w/ straps) - is like bigfoot, not fully understood... Unless you plan on kneeing a broad in the crotchal region (which would be entirely bogus no matter what kinda freak ass playa shiz you're into) I'm gonna say the jury is still out on this one. However, the chest and wrist harness sound promising. Or at the very least mind bending. Mighty Morphin Power Bangers?

THEHARDWEAR 
thevaculock - fastens compatible dildos to the harness.
Something as simple as having solid conjoining piece between the strap-on and harness is one of the best ways to secure the dildo, and adds the benefits of control and leverage this allows.

theO-Ring - When it comes to these... treat em like silverware - go metal. there's nothing like tryna poke at the filet with a spork and getting nowhere. As such, metal rings will be most reliable for keeping that thang in place and can support any weight of aparatus. These also set the bar for the size (width) of the dildo. THAT was what Bey was talkin about when she said... "...slow down, its too biiig, it's too wiiide, it won't fiiit".... if you don't take your time and match this up with your Tiger Goods.

THEGRANDFINALE

This entire process is about team work, thus, picking out a dildo WITH your partner is best. Single? Go it alone, BUT... if you take pride in your craft, why not have a collection? We all know no lock has the same key. What I'm about to say is probably some form of sacreligious... but I like to fancy myself as DaCock Obama and they, comprise my Presidential Cabinet if you will.

But ladies! Don't just leave it to the stud muffin in your life to bring all the supplies. Feel free to designate a favorite and interject with a nice... "*ahem* Pardon me..."

SILICONEVSLATEX

LATEX -  aka Jelly
pros: the original material of choice, smooth & soft, more realistic texture, sensation & appearance, most affordable. Also compatible with oil based lubricants.

cons: oil can degrade materials, not the most hygenic due to their porous nature, tough to clean, texture attracts dust bunnies and hoodrats, smell like straight up rubber gloves. Nothing sexy about the dentist office.

SILICONE -

pros: easy to clean, non-porous texture, DISHWASHER SAFE, hard or soft varieties, hypo-allergenic for the sickly types, warm up fast with body temp.

cons: non-compatible with oil based lubes (it'll kill it), $$$

Our reccomendation? SILICONE.

SIZEQUEENS&KINGS

Does size matter? YES. Lucky for us, we can take one off and try again with the next. When picking out your Capt. Hook (if that's what you're into) consider girth as well as length. Longer is to Wider as "Oh yeah" is to "Ow damn bitch?!? WTF!" It's a slippery slope, pun intended. 

"What I didn't realize when I bought big daddy 8 inch was the diameter and dearest Caucus here is where we must pay attention. Not to the only length but to the diameter. Look at the difference between the 6 inch dildo diameter and the 8 inch dildo. This may be the difference between mmm right there daddy and ow stop."

-The Butch Caucus

[Please believe me, there are women who can take larger ones, this is just an example. ]

THEVAJEYJEY a few facts:
+ avg depth: 3-4" unaroused | 5-7" hot 'n' bothered.
+ just like in child birth, during the no pants dance the snatch elongates, widens, does whatever it has to do to make accomadations. actually the upper 2/3rds makes way, moving the uterus and cervix up towards the heavens.
+ the G-spot is only 2 inches in at most, you're not tryna reach your keys that fell behind the couch people.

That said... the rest is up to you Young Skywalker.  Color, design... all that shiz... realistic, hobbit shaped, purple, onyx black, mulatto... The world is yours. Go Forth and practice making babies.

 ...and some more interesting reads here Sex & Disability ... Give some to the needy.