P.I.L.T.B

Places I’d like to bone: Chicago Edition

With fornication on the forefront of my mind most days I figured I share a peak into “Ye Ol Dirty Brain” therein lies some of the most illicit, scandalous, filthy yet genius ideas known to man. Most of which Id be more than happy to demonstrate, but having a boo thang these days makes that a wee bit difficult.

Nonetheless it seemed fit to compile a list of places where you too can get it cracking. Add a taste of spontaneity to your lives. Grab your girl, dip, or breezy and give it whirl. The following would prove to be quite interesting if given the right “can do” attitude.

The Elysian Hotel

The entry to this place makes me feel like a 19^th Century Baron. The sculptures that meet your eyes upon arrival are gorgeous. Sexy chandeliers hover above you, and you haven’t even reached your room yet! The real kicker is the bathroom. Italian marble from floor to ceiling is serious eye candy. I drooled just looking at it. All I could see was splashing featuring slippery bodies in my mind, but again I’m kind of a dirt bag. This premiere destination doesn’t come without a hefty price tag. You’ll have to dish out a pretty penny to get kinky in these sheets (which are 450 thread count, just saying) rates start from $355 a night. Felling frisky?

11 East Walton Street
Chicago , IL 60611
(312) 646-1300

UIC Pavilion Parking Lot (Top Lot)

Ok I’m sure I’ve provoked a bit of intrigue with this one, but the top of this parking lot offers excellent views of the surrounding city. If you get there at just about nightfall, and everyone’s cleared out the lot after the last event you’ve got yourself a gem of an experience. At the very least you will have created the sexiest rendezvous your mate has had in a long while. Pop her on the hood of the car and show her how awesome the skyline can look post coitous.  

525 South Racine Avenue
Chicago , IL 60607-3303
(312) 413-5740

The Violet Hour

I’m reluctantly writing about this one. This has to be one of the sexiest lounges in Chicago hands down, and I’m truly hesitant to share it. The outside of it makes it easy to miss, but once you walk through the doors you’re transported back in time to the pre prohibition era where the cocktails are strong and the lighting is low. You can hardly see anyone else in this UBER intimate setting heavily cloaked by dark velvet drapes, and high back club chairs that shield you from peering eyes. Have a few drinks, and play a little footsy. Tell your date to wear a skirt, and get creative. Fun times are sure to follow! Be very aware that entry is a gift, so if you’re not presentable you’ll get turned away.

1520 N Damen Ave
Chicago , Illinois 60622
(773) 252-1500

I’m no “sexpert” but I do enjoy a good time, and producing the “wow factor” so if you’re feeling randy, and would like to try something new, come up with a personal list. The options are limitless!

Speak To What You Know.

Believe it or not, I went to church today. Which puts me in a position to preach to you (lol). I've been motivated to address an issue that's been on my mind....but I had been too lazy to bother.

JUDGMENT.

So the pastor took 2 seconds to talk about how even in church you get judged. They'll be lookin down upon the people who cry and shout and run up and down the aisles, talmbout "it don't take all that to praise god!" and such and so. But dude pointed out: You don't know WHAT the next person is going through. Maybe it doesn't take all that for YOU. Maybe you're sitting in the pew with a nice job, but the next person may not have worked for 3 years. Maybe your son is going to college in a few months, but the next person's son could be in Cook County Jail. Maybe you're in perfect health this Sunday, but the next person may have just finished chemotherapy on Friday. So then yeah, for THEM, it might take that much.

You don't know WHAT the fuck is going on with any person, with any situation, etc. So speak to what you know. Maybe she didn't finish school yet because she had to get 2 jobs to pay a mortgage and bills at age 18 because her mom was on drugs. Maybe she gained all that weight because she's sick and is on steroids. Maybe her girlfriend already knew she was at the club that night with So and So. You don't know a person's finances. A couple's arrangement. A person's LIFE.

And at the end of the day, why does it matter to you?

Oh what tangeld webs we weave

 Everyone knows that our community is not as vast as our straight counter parts, and because of this we may find ourselves intermingling from time to time. This of course can spark a myriad of different situations. Some may experience discomfort, disappointment, happiness, isolation, or even physical altercations. 

My question is this. What sort of protocol does one follow when invisible lines are crossed, or tangled? People aren't property, even though we'd like to think of them as such. Despite our personal feelings, when will we come to terms with the fact that people come into our lives for different reasons, and most times they weren't made to be kept in one way or capacity for the entirety of that time.

I've seen friendships fade, war declared, and even battle royale due to misunderstandings or light being shed on past and current loves being had by another. I've come to terms with the fact that in my lifetime Ive probably dated, and will date at least a few people some of my associates have or will date. Its the inevitable, and I'm fine with it.

Admittedly there may be initial discomfort, but I'd eventually get over it, like I would most anything. I think we, especially as women in our community need to come to this realization as well. No need to kick up ruckus w/ the next man because of love lost. Or to be salty, we've all played the game, and it doesn't stop with the here and now. Shit just keeps spinning. 

I've seen too many enemies made over dames. We're isolated enough already to create problems within. At the age of 15 when my grandmother found out I liked women, she told me not to bother. "Women are crazy enough alone, why be in a situation as a unit?  You'd just kill each other". Sadly I see us gnawing at each other with the cattiness, and the snide behavior on a regular. We can do better. So yeah, we may be intertwined from time to time, but we can deal a lot better. Pairing up isn't the end all be all. Let's stop acting like it is.

The Polo Sweater Theory: food for thought pt 1

just a little somethin my best friend shared with me yesterday:

men [and women, too, i guess] will be in need of dope clothing to keep them warm. so they'll go to TJ Maxx or Filene's (these aren't rich men, i guess lol) and lo and behold: a dope ass Polo sweater. it's classic. it's timeless. it's expensive. but it's quality. however, they'll put it on layaway. they'll put that minimum amount of money down to start it up. and they'll put the minimum down per month - just enough to keep it going. just enough so that no one else can see, let alone buy, the sweater.

in the meantime, he [or she] still needs to put SOMETHIN on. so he'll go over to the bargain bin and grab a Polo tshirt for $5. it's still Polo. even though it's not warm. it has way less swag potential. and really the only thing making it barely acceptable is the Polo horse stitched on the side. but whatever. who are we to judge.

so what happens to the Polo sweater? maybe he eventually buys it. maybe he misses a payment and it goes back on the racks (i don't fuckin know how layaway works). maybe someone catches a glimpse of it while paying for something else and decides it's dope enough to steal and buy it NOW. who knows.

domestic abuse

disclaimer: this post will depart from the usual money cars clothes hoes fuckery; i apologize in advance.

apparently i would be hard pressed to find a lesbian who has not been a part of some sort of domestic foolery with her girlfriend. this is not me passing judgment. this is not me saying that i've never gone to Crobar, double fisted Moet and Patron for free thanks to Missy the bartender, come home in my skinny jeans and Coach sneakers, and slapped an unwanted house guest because she was reluctant to leave. this is not me being unable to recognize that to err is human. and to forgive is divine. but forgiving doesn't mean staying with or going back to her. this isn't me telling you what to do either. but it is me saying that, in my 28 years, no woman that i have ever loved* has ever punched me, choked me, muffed me, slapped me, kicked me, stomped me out... nothing. it is possible to keep it cute and respectable even when you're so mad you could spit fire. this isn't me implying that if she hits you she doesn't love you, either.

this is merely me saying that though it may have happened to you before, and the majority of women that you know... it doesn't happen to everyone and it doesn't have to happen to you again. #weoffthat #ontothenext

*there was that one time my mom choked me up against the bathroom wall when she found out i forged her name on something for school... but i digress.

they look nice and carefree here.

but you and i know what went down in that limo!

raw & uncut: the truth, not cocaine (but definitely just as dope) pt. 2

QUOTE (from pt. 1):
women. you frustrate me! are you incapable of casually dating? do you know that you don't have to enter a relationship 2 months after a dating a cool chick? and you DO realize you said 2 months ago you were completely disinterested in a relationship... "YOU LIE!!!"

been doing more theorizing on this...
here's what i've come up with:
it's not that you chicks are lying; the issue is that we are on 2 different pages.

raw & uncut: the truth, not cocaine (but definitely just as dope) pt. 1

women. you frustrate me! are you incapable of casually dating? do you know that you don't have to enter a relationship 2 months after dating a cool chick? and you DO realize that 2 months ago you said you were completely uninterested in a relationship... "YOU LIE!!!"

more after the hump...